Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize