just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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