ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
