I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
