someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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