You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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