I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You're my little dorito
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
