I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
