I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
