i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
