i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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