If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
