I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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