We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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