she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
