I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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