Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
