the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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