Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
