Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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