I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
