I think I died a long time ago.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
