I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
