I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
