i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
