peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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