Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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