Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
