he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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