my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
