Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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