just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
