Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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