I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
