everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
