dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
