Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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