She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
