sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
im on a boat
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