My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
