Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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