nut hugger
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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