hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
only you would photoshop your dick
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
