If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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