i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
