I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
