Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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