My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
