woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Come share oat with me in your robe
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
