Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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