wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
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