nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
