My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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