Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't turn off my feet"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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