even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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