I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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