i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He passed out mid-signature
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
