Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
