dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cut my penus on the lid.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
